“When a man is unfaithful to us, we always think that his partner should have more”

Deceived women:
Deceived women: “When a man is unfaithful to us, we always think that his partner should have done more”

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While singer Adam Levine is accused of cheating on his girlfriend, model Behati Prinsloo, who is pregnant with her third child, his colleague Emily Ratajkowski ranted to protect the music star’s alleged lover. In fact, she is tired of the infidelities of heterosexual men being blamed on women, partners as lovers.

“It’s not my fault, she was the one who seduced me when she found out I was in a relationship.” This defense, more than one man has used it after being unfaithful, and above all, after being unmasked. It is based on the sexist bias according to which women are willing to do anything to be better than others, and that these men are simply victims of their impulses. There have been many cases of celebrity cheating in the media lately, and if the latest one has proven anything, it’s that sexism still lingers in their treatment. Whether it is because some people are believed to be “too beautiful” to be fooled, or because we look for excuses from men to explain their attitude. Even if that means, once again, flirting with the women who share their lives.

Emily Ratajkowski’s tirade

If he The alleged infidelities of Adam Levine have been revealed to the general public, it is because the woman who claims to be his lover spoke on social media. On TikTok, Sumner Stroh, 23, claimed that they had been lovers, and very quickly, the young woman was caught up in a wave of criticism. Many people criticized her for having a “lack of female solidarity” when sleeping with a man as a couple, and for having an “anti-feminist” attitude.

An attitude that does not pass by Emily Ratajkowski, who shared a heartfelt comment “I don’t understand why we’re still blaming women for men’s mistakes. Especially when we’re talking about a woman in her twenties and a man twice her age.” The young woman, who has recently been the victim of infidelity, said: “If you’re in a relationship, it’s up to you to be loyal. Women are still being asked to adjust their behaviour, at least rather than telling men to do so.” do”. change yours.

Video. Chloé Chaudet: “We must deconstruct the tenacious prejudice of a single female destiny”

The double penalty of deceived women

Emily Ratajkowski’s words hit the mark: many women agree with her, and criticize the “double punishment” to which women are subjected victims of infidelity. “When I found out my husband was cheating on me, he expected to get a modicum of support, at least from my family and friends,” says Christine, 47. “Still, I found myself being criticized. I was told that I should have expected it, that I was neglecting myself as I had just had a baby, that he must be dissatisfied. In short, it was implied that it was my fault, and that he had nothing to reproach himself for.”

The forty-year-old filed for divorce and distanced herself from all the people who blamed her, but she makes an observation: “For us it is a double punishment. We have to suffer the infidelities of our spouses, and we also have to accept that they blame us, because if a guy goes somewhere else, he must have had a good reason. Whereas in my case, I was married to a cheating asshole.”

Cardboard apologies from the infidels and their sympathizers

Christine is far from being an isolated case, and women victims of infidelity have often been entitled to reproach, even teasing. “My mother told me: ‘But what did you expect? All men cheat on their wives, you have to deal with it, it’s not a dealbreaker.’ Speech from one of her partners: “The first thing she asked me when I announced my breakup after of an affair was not ‘How are you?’ ‘, it was ‘How long has it been since you slept together?’, as if my libido was necessarily going to be questioned.”

For Lila Adeniz, a couples therapist, this reaction is not really surprising, and has very deep roots in the way women are educated: “Since they are little, girls are taught to put their wishes before those of boys. , to sacrifice. Less obvious among Gen Z, but among millennials, many women have grown up seeing their mothers blame themselves for all the problems in their relationship, and they recreate this pattern without really thinking about it, because they were raised that way. the new generations, feminism makes them less inclined to blame the woman, and more to blame the person who is really to blame, that is, the unfaithful person.

The owner always pointed the finger

“What surprised me the most was that my friends weren’t mad at my boyfriend when they found out he was cheating on me,” says Chloe, 23. “On the other hand, they were angry at the girl she had slept with. This girl who had not asked for anything was the target of insults, and even threats, from my friends, who however did not direct a single reproach at my partner. .” A situation similar to that suffered by Sumner Stroh, who claims to have been Adam Levine’s lover. “Of course, she should not have slept with a man in a relationship, but she was not unfaithful herself, she could have acted for love or stupidity. But the person who betrayed me, is him. Will I be angry with her?”

The couples therapist has her own idea about it. “It is always easier to blame a third person than to blame someone you love, or at least love. That is why in the context of infidelity, especially on the man’s side, there is a tendency to pick on him. the lover.” The specialist also points out a sexist difference here: “On the other hand, when a woman is unfaithful, she does not really blame her lovers. It’s always like this, men cheat because they have impulses and because their partner hasn’t done enough. And if it is the women who cheat, within the framework of a heterosexual couple, it is because they have put their own pleasure before that of their husband, that of their family. And that, therefore, they have not fulfilled their role as women described by society.

Video. “Female infidelity is more common than we imagine. We talk less because it is more frowned upon”: Rita Perse, author of Adult Air, deciphers the phenomenon

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